Breastfeeding Isn't For Everyone

 I've giving birth to three beautiful babies. This is my third battle with post partum depression. I knew from my first two experiences my post-partum depression does not subside until after I stop breastfeeding. This third time around, I realized breastfeeding makes my post-partum depression worse. What causes post partum depression? Hormones. Breastfeeding produces hormones as well. Post partum depression makes it hard to bond with your baby. What pushed me into writing this post was an incident that occurred the last time I was at the WIC office. I overheard another WIC person telling a woman that breastfeeding reduced post partum depression because of the bonding breastfeeding creates. I looked at my WIC person and said, "That is not the case with everyone, especially me." I explained to her what happens to me. She looked at me and said, "I'm glad that you're pushing on with it despite everything." There was a sign in her cubicle that said formula feeding a baby leads to allergies, asthma, diabetes, and obesity. If you didn't know, this is incorrect. But what signs, blogs, etc like this tend to do is guilt women into breastfeeding or cause them to feel guilty because they are not.
When we're pregnant, and after we give birth, we get inundated with information saying breastfeeding good, formula bad. This tends to turn women against each other. Those who breastfeed and those who don't. If you're not one of those women, good for you! As women and mother's we need to be supportive of each other, not divided and putting each other down.
I've struggled emotionally through the whole process of breastfeeding this time around. I've had so much guilt because I couldn't breastfeed fully. Because of all the stuff that had been ingrained in me, I had a hard time accepting my son really needed formula and not breastfeeding. I go to my WIC appointments, and they try to pressure me to breastfeed more. There are so many hate filled blogs out there (that's what I'm going to call them) calling formula poison, attacking women who choose not to breastfeed. It makes me sick. Not all women can breastfeed! Not all women who breastfeed are able to breastfeed with each subsequent child. It has nothing to do with not putting in the effort, it has everything to do with their bodies. Some women can't breastfeed because their body can't produce milk. Some women's milk is more like water with no nutrition. Some women get post partum depression because they breastfeed, and some women just don't want to do it. I don't blame them! I've decided to share my story. I hope this helps someone out there who is struggling.

Ian came 2 1/2 weeks early on a Wednesday. I was going to breastfeed him, I planned on it. So Ian came, I got him latched on and thought everything was going ok. He was born at 6pm. He breastfeed a couple times, the last time being 2:45am. Then he refused to do it after that. He had a tongue thrust, which I dealt with with my first child. I had tried all the tricks I had been previously taught. They were not working. The nurses were trying to help me too. I wanted to get more help because he wasn't eating, so at 9am, I went to a breastfeeding class hosted by a lactation consultant. I had to go to the hour long class or the lactation consultant wouldn't come to help me. The lactation consultant came in, did the same things I had already done. My colostrum was in, but he would latch on incorrectly then come off because he wasn't getting anything after a few sucks. She tried the little tube attached to my nipple so he could get some formula and hopefully encourage him to open his mouth wider when he latched. But refused to latch on if it was attached to me. She got a bottle of formula and had him suck on it a few times so he'd open his mouth wider, then pull out and put him immediately to my breast. He'd latch on, but not well, so she'd pull him off and have him do it again. She finally got him to latch on correctly, said some things and left. That was the only time I saw her. It felt rushed and I was not sure what I was suppose to do. It seemed so complicated and hard to handle by myself.
I did the best I could. My nurses tried to help the best they could. They were wonderful. Ian's blood sugar had to be tested every few hours because I had gestational diabetes. His sugars were fine until the last time they had to check. We were told we could go home if it came back fine. It's didn't. When they checked, he had not breastfeed, so they said they would check again an hour after I fed him. His numbers still came back low. They were going to keep us until I said I'd give him formula. The head nurse agreed that if I was willing to do that, I could go home. They sent me home with a bunch of formula samples so we wouldn't have to worry. This was Thursday night.
Friday, Ian had his 2 day check up with his pediatrician. I discussed the issues I was having breastfeeding and he referred me to a lactation consultant. I decided to give it the weekend to see if everything would work itself out. The entire weekend was a struggle. Ian wouldn't latch, then he would latch and come of screaming. By the end of the weekend, my nipples were extremely sore. I wanted to cry everytime he'd latch because the pain was so bad. My nipples were bleeding. I was a mess. Monday morning, I struggled with what to do. I called the lactation consultant and saw her that afternoon.
My lactation consultant was wonderful. She did the most thorough job explaining everything. I never had that with any lactation consultant before. She showed me that I was engorged bad. Had I waited any longer to be seen I would have developed mastitis. Because of the engorgement, nothing was coming out. That's why Ian was screaming when he's latch on. She told me he really did a number on me. Both of my nipples were badly bruised and the keratin layer was completely stripped away. She showed me how to bring my milk down, had me do it in the office until I got it, then brought Ian over to latch. She observed him and said all his behaviors and his latch we that of a preemie. It would be a good two weeks before he'd be able to latch correctly because he's just not at that point developmentally. Also, my letdowns were too slow. She showed me some things I could do to help him along (but it was a two person job), sent me home with more formula because I would have to pump and I might not get enough out, and scheduled a follow up. I left feeling like I was on the right track.
Then post partum depression hit. I've not had any luck with the medication that had been approved for use with breastfeeding in my previous post partum depression battles. I had my OB prescribe an anti-anxiety medication that had helped me before. Ian had his 2 week appointment, so I asked the pediatrician if it was safe to take while breastfeeding. It wasn't. He told me that I would have to wait 8 hours after taking the pill and pump and dump. He gave me more formula and talked to me about if I should really continue on breastfeeding. He was a big proponent of breastfeeding, but with what I was going through I might want to seriously think about if it was really right for me. I decided to continue on.
I thought I was doing ok for two weeks. Then the medication I had was not helping anymore. I called my OB and we discussed different medications. She prescribed me a newer one that was safe for breastfeeding. I thought, "This is great, I can stop pumping and dumping!" I thought we were finally on track and I could begin fully breastfeeding.
I spent the next two months breastfeeding during the day as much as I could. Ian would get upset with breastfeeding as the day progressed and we'd give him formula because we thought my milk supply was not enough. I was taking fenugreek, eating all the foods that are suppose to increase milk supply and pumping for hours on end at night. At the end of the 2 months, Ian would still get upset with breastfeeding at night, but I was able to pump enough to give him a bottle. We finally were off formula, so we thought.
Ian was fully breastfeeding. We thought he was teething because each feeding he would breastfeed for a while, then come off screaming. Everyday, he was cranky. Poor baby! My medication was giving me unpleasant side effects. Poor me! I decided to try the lower dose hoping that the side effects would die down and I would still be ok. The side effects did die down, but the depression got worse. It was so bad, I couldn't bring myself to breastfeed Ian more than a few times a day. I still pumped, so Dave would give Ian that, but had to give formula because it wasn't enough. I increased my medication and started feeling better. But we noticed something very interesting. Ian had been fully breastfeeding for a month and didn't grow in height and only put on a few ounces. When he started back on formula, he stopped fussing and started growing again. I tried breastfeeding full time again. Ian started fussing everytime he latched on. I could feel the milk there, but he would not latch back on after he came of screaming. We finally realized my milk was not providing what he needed. He needed formula!
Since then, I've breastfeed when he would let me and gave him formula the rest of the time. He's been decreasing how much he breastfeeds. I've been letting him decide. He's growing beautifully and is a much happier baby because of it. I'm so thankful for formula! Because he's been breastfeeding less, I'm starting to feel better. Hopefully I'll be able to start bonding with my baby.
If I have another child, I may decide to breastfeed the first few days for the colostrum, maybe a little longer if I feel up to it, or maybe I won't breastfeed at all. It'll be my decision, and I'll try not to let the guilt ingrained in me take over. I have three beautiful children. Knowingly prolonging my post partum depression does not seem like the right thing to put them through as well. I want the stories to end, the ones I've heard from other women who've struggled and were made to feel guilty because they didn't or couldn't breastfeed. It needs to stop, the guilt pushed on others. We are all mothers and we need to support each other, not be divided. Not all women can breastfeed, and that's ok!