Indifference

Today I received an email from my grandparents (my real-father's parents) that said "Your Dad!!!" in the subject line. My first reaction, before reading the email, was, "Is he dead?" Thoughts of a drug overdose crossed my mind. All the body of the email said was to call them collect. I used our cell phone, so no collect call. My grandma answered and I asked what was going on. She told me my dad has cancer in his spine and it's terminal. She explained that it has spread and that it's too far along for chemo, so the doctor's are setting him up with morphine that he can administer at home. The doctor has given him a year to live, but my grandma thinks it will be less (she is a nurse...she does have some knowledge of these things). Was I filled with grief or sadness?, no. Was I angry or happy?, no. I could tell that my grandma was crying at several points, but still nothing on my end. I'm not sure what I am feeling, so I'm labeling it indifference. This is a man I have not had contact with in almost 20 years. Since my parent's divorced when I was 5, there really has not been much contact, but my mom took us to visit him when I was 9. In a way, I would like to go see him...maybe for closure. But what do I say?... "Sorry you're dying." I do have some good memories of him, but they are plagued with memories that are not good. I didn't really expect this. I thought it would be that once my grand-parents passed, all ties would pretty much be gone. Hmmm...it would be a nice road trip...seeing as they live in Montana. We'll see what we do.